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Blur....

I have that feeling when your like...blur. Can't be bothered sort of feeling but knowing you have so much to do? I have my german speaking tomorrow (again) so i hope i don't fail (again). I have been so stressed out that my mum mum sugested that i take these resuce remedy sweets that calm you down, they work! I feel that taking these will make me focus on what i want.

Healthy? Is that what i have been this week OR have i been a fat fucking whale and deserve to die. Average of 1200 calories this week. Yes that is awful and i feel the extra pounds already. BUT i feel like i needed this. I am stressed out! After binging so terribly all this week and not being as freash as i had hoped...I feel like i am on track again. Mother has got a new job. So she won't be finishing work until 5. That means it will be easier for me to skip dinner. I will be able to say i have already eaten, leave some plates and shit out so she will believe me. Sick isn't it? That my first thought was this and that i wan't firstly happy for her.

Anyway, i still need this. After eating (normal) for a week, i feel gross. I don't understand hoe people eat this all the time! I feel so full my stomache has been bloated almost all day! Sometimes i say to myself  'your insane you need help' But after me sort of unintenanaly being normal this week i have realised i need this disease. I need to have something to control. I need to know i can control what other people can't. So i win, i can do what only a small amount of the world can do. That doesn't mean i have won the war. I am still 118lbs, i need to be at least 108lbs in 4 weeks time. Think i can't do it? Watch me!

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