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I have that feeling when your like...blur. Can't be bothered sort of feeling but knowing you have so much to do? I have my german speaking tomorrow (again) so i hope i don't fail (again). I have been so stressed out that my mum mum sugested that i take these resuce remedy sweets that calm you down, they work! I feel that taking these will make me focus on what i want. Healthy? Is that what i have been this week OR have i been a fat fucking whale and deserve to die. Average of 1200 calories this week. Yes that is awful and i feel the extra pounds already. BUT i feel like i needed this. I am stressed out! After binging so terribly all this week and not being as freash as i had hoped...I feel like i am on track again. Mother has got a new job. So she won't be finishing work until 5. That means it will be easier for me to skip dinner. I will be able to say i have already eaten, leave some plates and shit out so she will believe me. Sick isn't it? That my first thought was t...

Why can't i stop eating? I am sick of being hungry all of the fucking time. As soon as i think about food i want it, right then and there. I have become slightly depressed and waking up this morning i thought 'What is the fucking point in doing this?' Then later on after i had crumpets for breakfast i thought 'OMG why did i just eat that, your fat remember?' When i'm hungry again i will think,'This isn't normal, no normal person does this, why can't i just be normal? I want to be normal, i can eat whatever the fuck i like' Then later on while eating my second piece of cake, 'FUCK, why have two pieces of cake? If i carry on like this i will be more obese that i already am, Start over again i can do this'    Can i do this? I feel like i'm loosing it. My water spilled in my bag today all over my german, art and science work. I didn't get annoyed and pissed off like i normally would. I laughed, really hard. I was creased with laughter...

I feel awefull. I am off school today because i am so stressed i just can't stand to talk to anyone or think clearly to do work. I broke down last night, i cried in front of my whole family. I was doing maths and i couldn't do it and all i could think was 'failure, failure' I'm sick of thinking about food. Last night i binged. I ate, banana, fish and veggies, bread and butter, ice cream, caramel shortbread, chocolate, weatabix and peanuts. I hate myself. I wanted to purge so much afterwards. I even dreamed that one of my friends purged up her dinner but i couldn't.  I am blamming my binge on my period, yes it came. I hate it. It is the worst time of the month. I hate feeling fat and gross. All i can think about is food. I want to cry and cry and cry. I want to break something in anger. Argh. I hate food. I want to be vegan. I am already peceaterian. But i want to go the whole way. I just wondered can you get vegan pasta? I live off pasta almost and a small amoun...

I hate myself. I failed my german speaking. I have to resit on friday. I do not need this strees anymore! I want to cry or more so i want to eat, fuck loads. I'm not going to because i am fat and being skinny is the only thing that will make me happy right now.     The worst thing is that my friend seems awfully smug that i failed and she passed, bitch. I'm not counting her as a friend anymore because she is a first class bitch. I have been friends with her for years, and i am a very loyal and good friend. She has decided to invite two of her friends to her house on friday night, i am not one of them. She is a bitch right? Ever since my granddad got cancer she stopped being friendly with me. I love my granddad and i am very close to him. So of course i was upset. Did she comfort me? Nope. She hasn't even asked how he's doing, so inconsiderate. What sort of friend is that? Argh she pisses me off. I just wonder what she would say if i told her about my eating habbits. She...

565 Calories today. So happy i achived this after my hellish weekend! That would be: Melon (8), super spicy curry (557). I know that is bad for one meal but it was spicy so it must raise my metabolism a bit. Or is that just an excuse?     My thoughts are that starting this new week i will just forget about my mistakes and i will learn form them and NEVER do them again!! Starting this week i am going to the gym, going to tennis (god help me) Tennis is my worst sport in the whole world, but i suppose i will get better....  I am also thinking of taking up swimming, but is it a bit weird to do swimming alone or should i ask a friend to come with me? With all of this exercise and restricting i must be able to loose 6lbs in two weeks!   German speaking exam tomorrow...I am shitting myself! I really hope i remember what to say and don't just go blank!! So i better get on with some revising, Wish me luck! xx

FUCK! I have had one of the weekends of my life. I had been doing so well with my restricting and i had to go and balls it up! I have litarly been on the see-food diet! Every food i've seen i've wanted. This all started when i refused to have pudding when my sister came around for dinner. She acted all pissed off when i said i didn't want any. So, i went fuck it, i had some. It tasted so good and i was now in binging territory. I then had a chocolate bar and a giant bowl of peanuts.    Saturday, i stayed at home. Bad move, cravings have been unbearable. I have been trying to revise for my mock exams but all i could think out was food. So what did i eat? Ceral, banana, breakfast ceral bar, macaroni cheese, 2 chocolate bars, peanuts and crisps! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!   Sunday: toast with jam, melon, m and ms, minstrels, soup and bread. Argh i haven't even stepped on the scaled because i am scared. I am scared incase i smash the fucking thing to pieces!! I ha...

409 calories today! That is:Yogurt(130), Pesto Pasta (240) and Salad (40)  I tried on a pair of size 8 (UK) jeans, that were small for me at the beinging of the year and they fit!!!! I even have a little room! So happy, unfortunatly i have not lost any weight!   I have decided to take up running. I am going to slowly build up running on the spot in the house for a couple of weeks until i feel ready to go out! This is a great idea because i will be burning up all of those pounds while hardly eating any caloires at all!!!   I have mock exams in two weeks time, which sucks balls! So i am going to be so stressed out and i can't be bothered with food to be in my way! It's a thing you need but is such an inconvinence at times like these. That is why i am thinking of doing my first ever fast. However i live with people so what excuse to i use for not eating? I am only going to fast for a day and the next day hopefully only eat 300 calories.

Today has been quite successful, 566 calories. That is: fat free yougurt (111), mushroom burger (160) Roll(250), Tomato ketchup (5) Salad( 40). The mushroom burger was a really bad idea, but it is much better than salmon en croute, that my mum was going to make. So, i nicly wiggled my way out of that one by saying i would be too full for dance tonight. Which i would of been, because i was so full with that dinner!   Dance was fantastic tonight however we were doing lifts.... Being 5'2 i'm the one always getting lifted. I hated it. When he had to hold on to my stomach or legs for support, all i could think of is 'Oh my god hes going to be so grossed out by all this fat' I also felt so heavy and horrible and wanted to die of embarressment, i am supposed to be slim and elgant! On the good side of this hour and a half, i must of burnt something off..NOPE i did not not one bit of fat, now i feel like shit!! Dance lift i managed to do, boy was much bigger though, so was me (u...

It's half way through the day and i have binged on ice cream and i did puke in the shower. I think it might be something i will be doing more often, for some reason i found it easier. Gross i know i'll not talk about that any longer!   So far i have ate yougurt, half a carrot and ice cream but thats gone now, i did some housework to burn it off for sure! Changing the bed and hoovering is really tiering! So that means i have ate, 138 calories today! I still have dinner to deal with but i have that sorted, i am making a stir-fry noodle dish that only has 192 calories!! So that will only be 330 calories! Back to school tomorrow, so that means shit loads of homework and revison to be done! I really hate exams but i need As in everything, my parent need to be proud of me for something right?? 

I am so stupid. I am no were near anorexic or even skinny. Why do i fucking care so much? I don't deserve the label anorexic, because i am a whale. I hate everything about myself and everybody else right now. I have this feeling like i just want to scream out and maybe deafen some people! I hate skinny girls because i am not skinny like them. I hate how some skinny girls can eat whatever they like and how much of it and still be skinny. Why can't i be like that? Why can't i be perfect?   One thing i hate the most is the look my dad gave me today. He asked if i wanted lunch and of course i said no. He just gave me a glare and said 'you don't eat much rebekah' i just said i was still full from breakfast, which i was. Yes my dad perpared my breakfast, he gave me the biggest bowl ever know to man of muesli and yougurt. I ate it all so i didn't get the greif but i felt like shit afterwards. Well at dinner time my family decided to order take away....

556 calories today. I feel like a whale. My calorie intake is okay today but i still feel as though i have binged on loads beacuse of one chocolate bar. It was a KitKat that was 106 calories. My only excuse for having it was because my sister said 'Miss i'm not gunna eat today' she ment it in a jokey way but i feel like she is noticing something. Also, the awkward moment when you walk in to a room and know people have been talking about you? Well that happened when i walked in to the kitchen and my mum and sister fell silent. Does it sound like they are suspecting something, or am i just being paranoid?   Well the rest of my 556 calories was: Fat Free Yogurt- 118                                                       ...

YES!! I am 116lbs!! I am so happy!! I was so strong yesterday, my mum made apple crumble and i said no, my mum had brought cake i said no!! It has paid off!! But now i am going to have eat a bit today so she doesn't freak out.   Sleep is a problem at the moment for me. I tried to go to sleep at 11 last night, woke up at one, fell asleep again woke up at two and never got back to sleep. Does this have anything to do with food restricting? I did have really bad hunger pains, maybe that was it?   I am planning on keeping this diet up so get to 110 quickly, i don't care if i don't get enough sleep. I get a personal high when i see my weight has gone down!! 530 calories today, not too bad. To treat my self for losing 2lbs i am going to have a relaxing bath and maybe get some sleep afterwards!!

I ate 498 calories today, i feel proud. But somewhere in the back of my mind is saying that i shouldn't be proud of this, but if i ate more i would hate myself i would not talk to anybody and sit alone in my depression. Sometimes i think what would people say if i told them i hated eating over 1000 calories in one day. They would proably dismiss it as me wanting attention, so i don't tell anybody. Sometimes i am disgusted at how one person can eat a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar in one sitting, but other times i wish i didn't care how many calories are in some food and i could just eat whatever. Another thing i would love to say to someone is, i ate this and that and felt so guilty i made my self sick by downing 3 glasses of warm water and sticking my fingers as far back down my throat as i could. When i write this and re-read it it sounds insane, but i still do it. I think about it all the time. When i am tryping i am thinking about how many calories i burn doing it...

So today i am still 118lbs. I plan to eat 600 cals, i think i have satifited my cravings over the last few days.   The last few nights, i've had trouble sleeping. I've been waking up at like 5 in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep, so i just get up! This happened yesterday and today. you would think i would be tired!!  I am late, the first time i've missed m period. I know i am not pregnant and i've been getting really sore stomach pains. Is this just hunger pains or something different? I don't want to tell anybody about it incase i get told to go to the doctor.   My mum has been driving me insane. Everytime she comes in from work she'll ask what i've ate, so i'll lie. Then at dinner i will say i want certain things and don't want others and she'll go 'You sure thats enough?' She also keeps on saying how much weight i've lost since december and what a lovely 'figure' i have. Is she catching on to something? I...

This is one thing you cannot talk about with friends/family, therefore why this blog has started. This is my life, and i no longer care. All i want is perfection. I am 118lbs and my goal is 105lbs. I binged and purged for the first time ever yesterday, i did it again today. I made this blog to i can tell somebody about it.   So i woke up hungry, which is normal now. I had some cereal for breakfast and i wanted to cry, so i just got out all the food i wanted to eat. This included: leftover pizza, chocolate, 3 different chocolate bars and ice cream. Turns out these foods are not easy to bring back up. It hurt bad. Pizza was the worst, lumpy and horrible. The chocolate i couldn't get up at all, so i failed there. I also discovered that ice cream is the best thing to bring back up, so this is now my binge food.   I cried for about 10-15 minuted afterwards. This is one step in my life that i will never forget. I binged on yogurt today, i purged it up afterwards and it was easier th...