new

Argh I fuming hate the mother right now. I hate her because I was having salad for dinner and she asked if I wanted a roll, I said no. She asked me again but basically demanded that I had it. She then asked if I wanted butter, I said no. Well guess what she put fucking butter on it. She said 'I forgot haha,' I was so annoyed and I then I heard her saying to my dad 'I knew she would notice' Erm what the fuck. Then my dad said 'it's only fucking butter get over it' omg it is more than butter, I am on the verge of tears because of butter. Argh. Well I had a horrible night last night. I finally got to sleep at 6:30am. Yay! I fucking hate my life right now. I want to cut, I'm going to cut. I don't fucking care anymore. Fuck recovery. Maybe a picture or my disgusting legs? Don't judge. Bekah Xxx

I havent been on for a while sorry! But this 2468 diet is going very well! I am 184 calories today! So happy i was so strong. I feel so empty and skinny right now! Maybe i might even see 116 by the end of the week! But i am going on hoilday with the family next week. So that just means FOOD FOOD FOOD. Fuck my life. Afterwards im gunna fast. But this holidy is like a hike up a mountain holiday so i will be burning a few cals. Can you acctually believe i am concidering taking my razors with me, so pathetic. Sorry i dont have much to say, well i havent really been doing anything really. Oh yeah the docotors, i didn't go. I told my mum i was feeling better that i didn't need to go. I guess i freaked out. Bekah xxx

Yesterday I had a falling out with my dad. Like I got so pissed of with home for no reason! So today he decided to make it up to me and he took me to Edinburg!! I had such a lovely time! I got some new CDs and a movie 'girl interrupted' ive heard it's about depression so it might help me realise I'm not the only one... But that isn't the best part! I went to see the dark night rises! Omg it was fucking awesome! Yes I have this weird obsession over batman, but who cares! I love being a geek, it's way more fun! So we went in at 1:10 and came out at 4:20 so it was pretty long haha. I had a numb bum, ouch! So today went well! Cal intake 616, so I succeeded my limit for the 2468 diet, remember I am doing it backwards just because I am that crazy! Really that is a good intake for a day out with a parent! Woop! So tomorrow limit 600 cals. Mother is off work but I am sure I will be strong! Gunna get into my Jamie's now and listen to my new CDs!! Bekah Xxx

Well the binge hasn't stopped. I can feel the extra fat on me, layers and layers of it. Even my neck is fat, no joke. But I binged this morning and I purged (sorry) and now I feel more in control, maybe that is because I purged. Anyways, I do feel a lot more positive. Yesterday, though was a disaster. I cried in front of my sister, I told her about how I feel lonely all the time, she said she is there for me and stuff. I almost told her about me cutting myself, but I couldn't. I couldn't face the disappointment. Also yesterday, I fainted. I have no idea why, because I have been binging. So that got everyone worried. Also my stomach has been a pain, I'm not sure if it's because of purging but I'm going I the doctors on Monday. I really do not want to go to the doctors, what of they say I don't eat enough and then my mother is on my back like a hawk. Or what if my blood pressure is low, or they see my scars and send me to a loony bin. So now I am so fucking an...

Well last night was rough. I took a lot of pills, I was so depressed last night I felt alone like nobody cared. I've been eating lots as well and maybe I did it so I would have to wake up and look at my ugly self in the mirror. Don't worry, I vomited them up. So I am okay but I felt so weird once I'd taken them, I took 8 if you were wondering. I haven't told my family. I don't want them to know because they will probably send me to the loony bin because I am suicidal and I self harm. Seriously why did I have to be such a fuck-up.

Guys i'm fat as ever. I feel so gross, ew ew ew! I cant even look at my self anymore I cannot bare it! Yesterday went fabulous, I was minus calories. Today however, I was not so strong. And the mother is off tomorrow so I am gunna have to eat. Shit. Hy do I do this, why am I do weak. Talking of weak, I cut. I cut fat whore in to my leg. Well it's true I might as well me branded with it. Anyways, I haven't seen my sister since my brothers birthday. I'm not sure of she has told anyone I hope not! I just have to watch out what I'm saying around her now. I have been so anxious about school. Like wtf it's 3 weeks until we go back. All I do is sit around and say I'm gunna fail all my exams. I'm getting so frustrated because I cannot concentrate on anything. That's why I binged today, so I could concentrate on my work. It just made things a lot worse. All I could think about was the calories seeping into system, the fat bubbling on my body. I though about p...

I have had a really weird weekend. I went to my sisters in Friday, we were sunbathing in the garden and she asked to look at my phone to search for a recipe. Well I had forgotten that the previous night I was search for 'effects of anorexia' just out of interest. When she seen it she was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I just said I was just anxious about everything. Then she started saying stuff about how my body is perfect and that I shouldn't worry. Then she was making dinner and she was joking around and she said 'what are you so upset over' I said nothing. Then being her jokey sells she said 'are you scared of cheese? Are you scared of bread?' I laughed but little did she know that i am scare, I am scared of calories. She also stared saying that she would miss me so much if I wasn't here and that I'm here best friend for life. I wanted to burst into tears. I know she is concerned. I think I'm gunna go tithe doctors about my anxiet...

I was weak and gave into tempation yesterday, then i purged most of it up. Then i exercised for the rest of the day. I honestly felt like shit. Even though i had this downfall, i am still going to carry on with ABC! Despite my binge yesterday, i lost weight! Weird huh? I am now 118lbs. Still sucky weight but its coming off! But i honestly think that my scales are broken, because i was looking through pictures of me at 114lbs and now and i honeslt look slimmer now! Its so weird! As long as i'm getting skinnier i am happy! It's my brothers birthday on saturday! So he is having a little family party at his house. I should really be looking forward to this but i'm just getting some more panic attacks. I am worried about the food, there is going to be cake there and i will be forced to eat it. This means it will break my ABC again and i will gain like 50lbs. Another worry is wtf am i going to wear? I have this really nice playsuit, but its quie short and tight and i feel like a ...

Okay, they suck and I want to cry when I look at them ): there gunna come up huge as well since im posting off my phone, so don't go blind! The first 2 pics are at 123lbs yesterday. The 3rd one is from today at 121 and I was sucking in a little! Sorry for the bit of boob! You know my instagram? Well I got some super haters today. And some said to me 'you have lower belly pudge' seriously wtf! Is it her business what I look like. Well no matter what that is now added to my list of insecurities! Bekah Xxx

Heyy!! I am so unbelievably happy today! I have lost 2lbs already!!! Okay so i guess this is the time when i post my beiginning weight? 123lbs. *CRY* i never ever ever ever want to be that ever agian! But 2lbs lighter isn't bad after one day of ABC! So i am now 121. I'm just gunna have to wait and see what my weigt will be tomorrow, i am not predicting anymore, i always just get pissed off when i dont reach my goal. Well i got my period yesterday. LAME. So do you gain a few pounds when it's the time of the month? Just trying to tell myself that i wasn't reall 123lbs. Okay i watched this programe last night it was called, Eat, Fast and live longer! It was amazing. It basicly told the whole nation that to calorie restrict and fast is good for you! Apparently if you fast for 4 days every month, it will decrease your risk of cancers and disease! Awesome right? So now when everyone is complaining saying that fasting is bad, we all now have proof that it is actually good for ...

398 calories today!!! I can't believe how well today has gone! I feel amazing! I feel so strong and tomorrow will be even better since I'm not with my mother! I can feel hunger again and it feels great! I am in control now (: I just hope to see some results soon!! Bekah Xxx

Today was how I expected, filled with food and anxiety! But I made it through. I just thought I will have all my last treats before I start my diet, so then I wont have as bad cravings during the first week! I was sitting at my sisters house today almost crying before she brought out dinner! I was hyperventilating and freaking out, which sucks. After dinner I wanted to purge so much! I felt so fat. I honestly wanted to go home and crawl in to a hole and never come out until I am perfect. But that is so never gunna happen so I sat their thinking about ABC, and how fucking skinny I'm gunna get (: I am really looking forward to tomorrow! I feel really strong and I know I can do this! But, my mother is off work tomorrow! That sucks balls. So I am gunna have to eat through the day, which I didn't want at all. So I am planning on having grapes for breakfast and carrots for lunch and lentil soup for dinner! She doesn't really eat lunch anyways, so she cant complain to me! I honest...

My anxiety is getting worse. After everything i eat i have a mini panic attack then to 10 crunches. This makes me feel like SHIT! Familyness this week end. This means, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD! And lots of it. I want to cry! I am starting ABC (again) as of monday! But i have some ana buddies to help me out on instagram! Going to stay strong this time. I also got this new app for tonning abs and thighs ect. I hope it will show some results if i do it everyday! Sorry for the short update. I feel really out of it. Really...depressed. I haven't left the house in 3 days. Thats all because i feel so fat. Oh yeah i stepped on the scales, i gained 7lbs. I am now 121. FUCKING FAILURE. Bekah xxx

Yesterday sucked. I binged purged and cut. Failure. But today is a new day and I am not going give up! I am doing a six hour fast today! So I am just having dinner with the family! Things are going well so far and t 11:24! I have been on my bike for 40 mins and I felt really good (: So my goals have altered! I want to be 108lbs by the end of this month! Which is possible! So then after I reach that I want to be 100 by December! Or maybe 95? But things sound much easier than they really are! I need to be strong when I am weak! No chocolate, no fizzy drinks, from now on for a whole month! Starting my 21days from now! I will be strong. Bekah Xxx

Today I was over 1000 cals. My sister wanted to make chocolate fudge cake. Worst thing ever I wanted to burst into tears. But, we did get an exercise bike so burning 200 cals on that and with walking and sit ups my net came to 500 something. It said I would bee 103lbs in 5 weeks. That's not good enough. I don't feel empty anymore! Tomorrow I am seeing my sister again! I'm sick of her giving me food! So the plan is, stay strong until I get to hers, no breakfast, no lunch. Then just have dinner which is some pasta thing. So before I go, I will do an hour on the bike which would be 400 cals, I'll then do sit ups and I'll walk to hers. So hopefully I will be in minus cals!! Mother has been annoying me again! She has gained a new irritating feature! When we sit down for dinner she gives me this a huge grin, like it's going to rip her face in half! I never smile back I just give her 'wtf are you doing, where only eating dinner' look. Then,When I start eating, ...