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Well I binged last night and purged. Fail. Anyway let's put the past behind us and start a new, again. Can you believe that my mum actually forced me to show her my stomach last night. Then she gave me another lecture on how my so skinny, that I don't eat enough, blah, blah. It is so boring now! I had a whole week off school. Yeah I only have one week left before my work experience. Crap, yes I just realised that I have so much course work to do for English, geography, science and god knows what else. And I only have one week to complete it! How the hell an I gunna finish all of that when I am my allowed to take it home! Oh god man I wanna be sick, this is awful. I am such a lazy bitch I really could of got out of bed and went to school. I suppose I am just gunna have to be behind. What an idiot I am. Gunna have a lovely stressful week ahead of me. Hopefully this will distract me from food! Bekah Xxx

I wasn't even up for 5 minutes and my mother was already harassing me about what I was going to eat! 'what you gunna have this morning?' yes I had cereal, I really wished I had gotten up Later. After being interrogated about food, my mother didn't even say anything to me. She only demanded that I eat today. Which I won't. I will make something then throw it out, I really do not need to eat I have so much flab. I weighed in this morning at 116lbs, do I am loosing it yay! I so want to be back at 112lbs by next week. If I stick to my low calories and exercising every day, I am sure I will. Well my cereal was 130 calories, which Is disgusting. So I did a 5 min jog, 10 crunches, 25 squats, 25 lunges, 30 jumping jacks, 10 burpees, 20 second plank. I am not sure how much that would of burned but I hope it is most of that 130. I know I haven't done that much exercise today but I still feel a bit lame. I will make 112lbs by next Friday! I will make it. Bekah Xxx

I am so sorry for the three updates in one day but I have just taken some progress pic, even though I have gained weight. But I can see some ribs starting to show!! How is this possible ha! It may just be my eyes though, can't wait till I can see them properly. Bekah Xxx

635 calories today. Over my limit i know but these parents are doing my head in. I tried to fast and i only ate soup so now they are so concerned because i haven't ate much after that. I feel weak and drained, but i swear its because of the bug i have not the lack of food. I have done this before and felt fine, so why would it make a difference now. Well since that day my parents haven't took an eye off me. I heard my dad mumble to mum in the kitchen ,'She's going to end up a skeleton' I have to say i want to be a skeleton, i do not want fat on my body. It's gross, bones are natural when flab is just gross. I don't know if i am making it obvious that i am trying to aviod carbs. 'Do you want some toast?' I will say,'No bread is heavy on my stomach so it makes it hurt' what a pathetic excuse right? She is going to force me to eat cereal tomorrow moring. She was trying to convince me to have some before bed, but that is just absurd imagine how m...

After my beautiful amount of calories yesterday, i binging today. What is wrong with me! 716 calories today. I have sure not lost anything today. After yesterday i had lost 2lbs. I was 116lbs. I just know i've gained again. I can feel my body shaking because i hae had so much food. My stomach is still all weird and i still feel ill. So i don't think food is agreeing with my stomach, so i sort of hope i am sick by myself. So i don't have to purge, i like it when my body decides to be sick, when i actually want to purge. It saves me a job, sort of ha. The rain has been unbelievable today. Its thundering and i'm not gunna lie i'm a little scared in the house by myself. The TV keeps on dying on me saying 'No satellite singnal is being recieved' Which is pissing me off. I thought well i will do some exercise then, i started jogging then almost passed out. So i guess i am just going to sit and look at thinspiration and hate myself even more than i alreay do. Have ...

119lbs, how the fuck did that happen. You have no idea how shit I feel right now. I ate soup yesterday that is all and I am 119lbs. Last week I was 112lbs, I have gained 7lbs. How disgusting is that! I am mid fasting at the moment, I don't even feel hungry probably because I have so much stored fat that I don't need it! I can't even believe that I weigh this much. I swear that from now on I will never see that weight again. I will not give up, I will keep on loosing until my UGW of 95lbs. Oh god that seems so far away.... I have a password on my phone now, so I am keeping some thinspiration in my pictures. So everytime I have a craving I will look at those pictures and remind myself what I really want. I know the peanuts or the chocolate will seem like a good idea at the time, but what do they bring, 15 minutes of happiness, then so much guilt afterwards. Being skinny will bring days, years of happiness so why would I, do I want to eat stuff that is going to make me depress...

I'm ill and fat. Yesterday i was off school, and i binged like all day i am sure i was well over 2000 calories. I am off ill again today. But today i am taking advantage of being ill and i am going to attempt a fast. I haven't had anything yet. But i feel my mother might force me to have something for dinner. So maybe i will have some soup or something like that. So can that count as a liquid fast? That will only be 160 calories today if i stay strong. Doesn't it seem like i am ill every month? I am sick of being sick. I want to have some energy to do some exercise but i do feel like shit. I am so annoyed with my self because i am going to miss my dance class tonight. After eating so much sweet things this past week, i have the biggest ulser ever. I can never eat anything sweet without getting an ulser. It is so sore. But i guess its just another excuse not to eat today right? I'm now going to look at some thinspiration and watch some batman, maybe have a little cry in ...

I have had one of the worst weekends ever. When we set up camp inside my tent was soaking so I had to sleep in the wet. Not only that I was I'll, this morning I had to run across the campsite to puke in the toilets. I felt and now still feel like shit. But now my stomach is just upset and I feel like I'm going to spew at any moment. Well the whole thought of being I'll and camping made me cry a lot. In front of everyone. I was sitting in my tent this morning crying while my arsehole friends were in the other tent ignoring me. Not only that but when we were walking j had to carry the tent and I could walk as fast so I was behind everyone but did hey wait for me? Nope they did they not I was lonered the whole 6 miles. I am depressed I feel so unwanted and so Ill so I am not happy at all. I havent been good with food I have been binging so much and I feel like a huge ill mess. I hate camping I never want to expience nice it ever again. Bekah Xxx

I have never been in such a bad mood as i was this morning! Of course it rained on my walk. But the rain was blowing from one side so one side of me was completly drenched and the other very dry. I had my wellies on thank god, or my feet would of been soaked! I did manage to get a blister before my camping weekend as well! After the walk i had to go shopping. It was awful. People were giving me very weird looks as i was in my wellies, squeeking on the floors! I over spent my £10 budget and had to borrow some of my friends money. I had borrowing money, i always feel really bad for some reason. My 50th post today! Wow, thats a lot. I have to say i can't believe i have stuck to this. I love blogging, it keeps me focused at times, clears my mind, lets me rant all i want about my eating disorder without people getting worried. This blog has kept me sane! I got an iphone today! So i will be able to post using my phone, which could be interesting. Not having to delete the search history w...

Blink-182 were amazing, i had one of the best nights in a while. Exept my dad was a complete dick taking me to Newcastlem so i am currently not talking to him. I feel like shit right now. I feel so dizzy and like i'm doing to faint. So I ate shit loads because i thought it was that. Just got worse. I might be tired or something i don't know but it is awfull. I had my last exam today so i can have a nice relaxing night tonight. So i am just sitting on my arse in bed. Think i might get a hot water bottle and have an early night. How exciting am i! I do have my sposered walk tomorrow. I will burn calories from what i have gained over my last couple of binges. But it is supposed to chuck it down in rain tomorrow *cry* The great british summer time is so lovely isn't it! So there is going to be one wet, fat, sweaty person. I don't want to go might take advantage of me feeling crap at the moment. Try get the day off maybe. But the lamest thing about this is that i have to go ...

Well i know why i really wanted to binge and gained 2lbs in like a day, i have my period. I really of cried. I hate this, i feel fat and more bloated than ever. I am wearing a jumper that is so big for me i could fit another peron in it, just so i can hide my stomache. Dispite that issue, i ate 234 calories today. I really believe that breakfast is what effects my calorie intake for the day. If i eat fruit for breakfast i will always eat less than 500. But if i eat cereal everything is just mucked up and i end up eating loads for dinner instead of staying in control. Today my grandparents came around for dinner. My oma was sitting next to me and my mum of course gave me a huge bowl full. So every now and then she would look over my shoulder and say 'your getting through it' Then when i didn't finish she was like, 'you full now?, that was a lot' I am so glad somebody else has relised the ridiculous portions she gives me. But it also pee'd me off because people we...

I purged for the first time in 4 weeks. My only excuse is that i needed to. I am stressed and i binged. So after crying i went in the shower and purged. I have to say it is not a nice feeling pushing down the larger bits of sick that would go down the plug hole. I then sat in the shower at cried a little more. After i came out othe shower i did a 20 minute intense workout, i still feel awfull. I can't do anymore exercise because i need to revise. I don't want to revise anymore. I am sick of having my head buried in books. This weekend had been my first let up off revising and now i can't get back into it. I think i am going to re-start my skinny gril diet since i mucked up completly this week. It will go better this time. Argh i got so frustrated at my mum today. She was asking about what i wanted for dinner and i said i didn't want bread, pasta, carbs at all really. My sister was with us in the kitchen and she must of gave my mother a funny look. M mum then said 's...

420 calories today, which i am so proud of today since i went in to Edinburgh today with my dad! My calories were: Banana (95), Smoothie i was forced to get instead of water oh and also being told i was boring in the meantime (55) Apple (60) fish fingers (150) salad (60). I really didn't want fish finger today. But since i sepnt the whole day with my dad i couldn't really lie about eating loads. I feel so good now, i feel like i am flushing out all of my binge food and starting new for about the 400th time. I really hate how i can control my intake so much better when i am not at school! Well today, went to Edinburgh for a little shopping trip trying to forget about the rainy day! Well i felt really good this morning, very postitve about my control. I was wearing my high-waisted shorts with my american vest top. Then one stupid uber skinny girl has to be there. Argh i was so jealous of her. My mood was destroyed because of her. Since that moment of seeing her i hated what i was...

The binge continues. I may as well say ive been 'normal' the past three days. I really cannot deal with stress right now. My science exam went sooo bad. I did not know a thing. My history exam was on the topic i didn't revise so i didn't know any dates. It also rained today. I don't think it's stopped since i woke up. When i was in the exam i looked like i was having a seizure because i was so cold. All i could think of at that moment in time was, 'i'm burning calories, its fine'. My pen also ran out in my first exam not exam 15 minutes in to it. Then when i got home i was so depressed i thought i would eat, it always seems like a good idea at the time right? I ate loads. Then i had to have dinner afterwards. I was ate until my body volentrealy wants to be sick. I tried purging, nothing came up because i choose to eat all the foods that are so hard to purge up. Why do i always want carbs when i binge? I even made cornansion pasta, i am still tasting ...

The day after the binge is always aweful. I had chocolate again today so i binged again! I really hate my self for it. I was walking while eating it though. As soon as i got home i did some sit-ups and lunges ect. Then i had to have dinner. Feel disgusting right now! Skinny girl diet ain't going so well huh? Well my limit is 400 tomorrow so maybe i will be able to control my cravings. I'm not sure if i should blame me giving in on stress about exams. It's weird every time i think about exams i think about food as well. Whats wrong with me! I was so pissed off at my dad earlier. I told him i ate a whole bar of chocolate and he said you could of got some fruit or something. Then at dinner i was saying that these veggie sausages were dry and he said why don't you have some sauce. I was like well i don't want any. Then he was like don't you eat sauce anymore? Like he was annoyed that i don't eat or something. But then like 20 minutes before he was basicly saying...

Yes i binged today. I acctually ate the sandwich that my mother made for me today and an apple. Oh and 2 sevings of peanuts and maybe same cookies? Through in a twix as well. To round it all of i had a hidious curry. Now i am bloated as hell. I look like i'm pregnant seriously! I guess i binged today because i was minus calories yesterday. Only one day of binging should not effect your weight, well it says that on the internet. I must not binge tomorrow. Pure detox tomorrow. I want all fruit and veggies. Can't believe i've mucked up this diet already! Start over? Maybe i should just carry on and record the days i binge so i can see how often i do. I have not purged today though. I want to though. I don't think rice will be the best though, i might make noise when the parents are in, don't want to make them even more concerned! Just a quite update today, need to revise for my chemistry exam on friday *cry*. I really want to exercise. So maybe i will give my self half...

Minus calories today! So happy with myself because the urge to binge today was unbelievable. I was with my friends in asda after school, i so wanted chocolate but i punched it in face. I won! And i don't have any calories left. I am empty, it feels amazing. So i am way off my 300 calorie limit today. Tomorrow is 400, it's only day 2 of this diet so i need to be strong. My mum went food shopping today. I found this quite amusing because she has bought all the things that used to be my favortie foods. Muesli, peanuts, pasta, fruit bread, fruit cake. I am strong will fight this desire to eat them, i will not let her win. I know she expects me to have muesli in the morning but i will eat my fruit and stay stong. I have a dilema. On thursday the olympic torch is coming though my town between 4:30 and 5:15. So annoying because that is when i go to the gym! So it's either go see a once in a life time olympic torch or workout? I think i might go see the torch, i might regret it if ...

Today i was sitting alone with my mind and all i could think about was food and how fat i was ect. ect. Then i was thinking there are certain rules that you have to stick to to be skinny right? Well 1) eat less, if you eat les you won't gain weight pretty simple 2) exercise, pretty straightforward you need to exercise to get rid of all the flab more quickly. 3) Be cold, yes i mean feel cold, when you shivver you burn so many calories. So i guess the last one is the only one unwritten but still sticking to these tree rules must mean perfection. 368 calories today. I am cutting it close to 400 which is my limit for today. Oh yeah, today is my first day on the skinny girl diet. So my start weight from today is 112lbs, so happy when i seen this! So hopefully i will be seeing 105lbs in 30 days time. I was recording my food intake on myfitnesspal today (which is amazing, totaly recomend) and when i finished it told me that if everyday was like today i would be 101lbs in 5 weeks time. If ...

I hate being stuck in this house but these people! I've been revising all morning and my dad went on a cycle. He came back and as soon as i came on here he came into my room and started asking if i wanted to have something to eat. I swear blogging is like a jinks or something. I told him i had alreay had something. I made a  roll with some jam, which went in the bin as did some chocolate. I left the evidence of the plate, knife and wrapper lying around so they would believe me. I hate how awkward it has been after my mum had that chat with me. They are looking at me so weird and observing my every move. It's weird, and very awkward for me anyways. Maybe i should just say to them to stop staring at me. You know that feeling when you walk into a room and everything falls silent because they were just talking about you. Well it feels like that 24/7 since last night. So today i used MyFitnessPal to calculate how many calories i would have for today. Parents are having roast d...

Can you believe this. I have just got home from my sisters i had dinner and i didn't have much of course. But the bowl full was massive so it looked like i haven't ate anything. So then came the questions. 'what have you ate today?, what did you eat yesterday?' Well i ate shit loads yesterday thanksto my sister. I have strawberries, malteasers, veggie pasta and a fish fnger wrap, disgusting amount of food. So i told her, but not for her that wasn't enough. She just raises her eyes. So i think thats it so i go upstairs to come on here. A couple of minutes later she comes into my room. She sits down askes me what i'm doing. Then she says that she's very worried about me, that i don't eat enough. Then she said your going to end up anorexic. She said it, she addmited it, she now knows i have a problem. She then carried on saying the weight was dropping off me, which it clearly isn't since i am a fat pig. I denied it of course. I said it was rediculous. S...

Weight hasn't changed today. I ate about 450 calories yesterday not counting the banana i had for breakfast. I exercised after my curry, i ran for about 3 min done sit ups, lunges, squates and press ups. I doubt that i burned off much but at least it's some right? I am going to the sisters to stay over tonight. I want to go but i don't. I hate it because she always feeds me unhealthy things, i feel bad because i am a guest so i eat it. Then i hate myself. So i am just going to eat really slowly, she eats quickly so she will finish before me, so when she finishes i can just say i'm full. I think thats a good descret plan. I am also saying i am gving up chocolate. I haven't ate it in 2 days, i think i will go for until the end of this month or forever..... Anyways, i went on wii fit yesterday. I haven't been on since Janurary. I have lost 11lbs since then! I am so happy with that. I set a goal to loose another 10lbs in 3 months. That means i would be 104lbs! I am ...

114.2lbs this morning. Not bad lost 0.4lbs yesterday. Why do i feel disapointed? I was really hoping to see 113 this morning. Oh well, i know i can do it. Today might not be the day. My mother has already prepared dinner for tonight because she i working late. I am annoyed because i didn't get to say i didn't want that and get her to make me something different and more low calorie. It is curry. I know spicy foods raise you maltabloism, but it is full of calories. So after dinner which will be about 7:30, i will have to do so much exercise to burn it off. That ruined my plans because i wanted to exercise through the day today and revise for maths tonight. If i do lots of exercise and get most of the curry calories away i might just be able to get to 113lbs by tomorrow. I have to say i feel great, empty. When i haven't ate and my stomache aches and i can't be bothered to move i know i am getting skinny. You don't get that feeling when your stuffed full. I love that f...

I am still 114.6lbs!! I braved the scales this morning, i was dreading it! I honestly jumped up in joy! I can't believe it when i think about it. I drank full coke, had a croissant for breakfast every morning, 2 ice creams, muffins, pizza, spaggettie. The list never ends. And i am still the same weight as i was before i left! I don't understand my weight sometimes. I am going to say i would like to be 110lbs by August. That is a while a way and if i get under that earlier than August i will be extatic! I was looking through some papers i had lying around today and i found my exam time table. I have my maths GCSE on monday! How did i not know it was so soon! I know i am going to fail, i have to get a B. On my mock maths i got 16 out of 60. SHIT! I just need to chill, take deep breaths and revise like hell! I got tickets to see Blink-182 on the 19th for my birthday! My first ever concert! This sucks though. I have my Geography exam on the 18th and my Physics on the 20th! Why is t...

Paris was amazing. I had a wonderful time. It was so beautiful. Busy though. I don't think i've stopped the whole time i've been there. Disneyland was amazing also, got a mickey mouse teddy feel 6 again!! Many photos have been taken and there has been drama, but what do you expect when your with people 24/7. I was sharing a room with two other girls and one moved rooms. I was glad she was pissing me off. At dinner she wasn't eating anything  (I know this sounds weird coming from me). She was saying that she didn't eat much at all. It pissed me off sooooooo much! I wanted to say to her if your trying to starve yourself your going about it the wrong way. Telling everyone is not what you want. She clearly wanted attention. Or am i just jealous that she hardly ate this whole trip and i was 'healthy' this week. She moved rooms because apparently she was being left out. I have no idea where that came from because i am not even good friends with the other girl any ...