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The day started off with a binge/purge session. My stomach is still in knots from all the sugar i ate. My throat hurts and is so dry. So you can imagine that going out with my friends wasn't exactly my first intestions today. I felt so gross and fat. I took over an hour to get dressed. I changed about 10 times before i left and i looked so obese. But i managed to burn all of it off and i am in minus calories but UGH, i do not feel good. So i went and met my friends around about lunch. The friends i have that live in town are 2 boys and 1 girl. I am going to give some pretend names so 1st boy is 'danny' 2nd 'harry' another boy which i will induce later 'liam'. (the girl is irrelivent in this story) So harry, has liked me for a while, has asked me out via text, which i never replied. But i do NOT like him that way. I am just not attracted to him. Danny, is the only 'close' friend i really have. I can tell him anythin and he is bi. Liam, is harry's ...

Guys i'm back at school! Not fun at all! So i have missed shit loads and it started an anxiety attack, blah i wish i wouldn't worry so much! So my friends have suddenly released a whole truck full of pity on me. "You seem really lonely, we think you are depressed and showing signs of being suicidal" THANATOS! I just thought, well if you knew what i did this summer..... So basicly they invited me out tonight, i went. They also invited me out this weekend to go to a movie. I will go but i just feel like they are doing this because they feel sorry for me. Because they think i'm lonely. I don't want pity, it is the last thing i want. Just all of this makes me think, have they seen my scars? Hmm. Despite all my negative thoughts on them feeling sorry for me, it made me feel good. I do feel loved. And after coming home tonight i feel a lot happier! I even had motivation to tidy up my room! I had a good time, it's just pushing myself to get out that is the hard p...

GUYS I LOST 2 POUNDS! Oops, maybe i cheated and weighted myself this morning...oh well. I am happy! So i have got to my friday goal before friday! So now i want to be 112 by friday, i am now 114! Still a disgusting weight but i'm getting there. I know i can get to 100 by the beginning of november if i ditch the binging and purging. I really don't even want to eat, the pure thought of eating turns my stomach in knots. I am fasting today! 16/24. I need to look like i've lost weight for going back to school tomorrow. Yes i am finally going to brave the outside world. My anxiety is getting the better of me and i need to get back on track with my school work. I need to do well in these exams. I CANNOT FAIL. I guess thats a good attidude to have right? Oh and my friends haven't text me the whole time i have been off school, even though i told them i had to have blood tests ect. I am so loved. Well i guess i am to blame for that too since i pushed them all away. I am so good a...

My dad can be really harsh with words, so i broke my 3 days clean of cutting yesterday, oops. I am off school, what a surpirse i'm ill. And i'm depressed as ever. My parents are forcing me to eat fatty gross foods. I am going to brave school tomorrow, hopefully it will calm down my anxiety attacks, which have been really bad lately. So my intake today was 700 and something, my limit was 500. EKRUHCONFE. So i burned it off. My net is 0. I love the number 0. Size 0, Size 00 even better. 0 lbs, weightless. "Now i know why 0 in tennis is love" So shall i share my special workout, that i put together last night when i was bored as hell. Morning workout: 15 jumping jacks, 15 crunches, 15 squats, 15 push-ups. Total burned: 150. Evening workout: Morning workout, 20 crunches (x2), 60 second plank (x2), 30 second plank (x2), 20 side crunches, 20 bicycle crunches, 15 burpees, 1 minute jump rope, 5 minute running, 15 reverse crunches. Total burned: 650. So i plan on doing this ev...

I am just the binge machine. The only think i'm good at is gaining weight. I want to eat everything, i don't know why i just do. I'm not even hungry.

OMG I REALLY NEED TO START RE4ADING BLOGS AGAIN, SORRY GUYS! Anywho, I have instagram and i follow of course ED accounts. So when i read their captions and see that they have lost weight, i cannot explain how jealous i am. It like burns through me and i hate them for a split moment because they weigh less than me. Blah, i am so weird. So i want to loose like 20 pounds by november. I think i just set my self up for failure really. I am off school today (again) and by myself, so i am just going to eat when i have to. So i have had breakfast: weetabix (171) and dinner: Tuna pasta (313) So i am over my limit of 400, blah. But i guess it is better than the last 2 days. So if i stick to a limit like this for the next 2 months i am sure to loose around about 20 pounds right? I really don't want to tell everyone my stats beause i am so fucking embarrassed. I am such a fat whore. But i have grown an inch so i am 5'3". Okay here it goes my weight......115lbs. JHN PESIUCFAIMJFDEA WHA...

So today was the trip to the doctors. So i was telling him about my stomach pains and how my glands are totally swollen. But of course i didn't say that i had been purging or restricting. So he felt around my tummy and said i had to do a pee sample, so i went and peed in the little cup. But when i came back he said, 'Please make sure that you eat enough becuase thats why your bowel might be slower because your not eating enough' So does that mean that my sister told him about my eating? Also he said that i look 'washed-out' so he said that i could be anaemic and took a blood test. He also thinks i might have glandular fever, but i doubt it because i think it is to do with my purging but i won't tell them that. He also asked me about my period which i found strange. He didn't weigh me though, so i don't know what his train of thought was. Probably thought i was pregnant, PAH, who would have sex with this fat ugly beast. I really don't know what to exp...

So yesterday was amazing, i had 68 calories and i burned all that off and i was like -500 and something. I felt so great. But i woke up in the middle of the night shaking like crazy. I then vomited everywhere, but since there was nothing in my stomach it was just all bile, gross. It burned so badly. After i had puked everywhere i got on the scales and hadn't lost a fucking thing. That pissed me off so much, so i took too many laxatives and had a super massive binge, yes i purged inbetween, and yes i have been on and off the toilet for about 3 hours and i have severe stomach cramps. My glands are all swollen, so i look like a hamster. I am also a fat whore and will just keep gaining weight. I feel my family laughing at how fat i am. Wow, so i am going to the doctors again tomorrow, with the sister. I just hope to fucking god my glands go down by then. Oh so just to ensure that i just fucking ate a whole bar of chocolate and purged it and took more laxatives so now i am going to be u...

So guys, hey! Today SUCKED. So what made it so sucky was that i was forced to eat some chocolate. It was one square of a yorkie(60) so i took it to save all the 'you never eat' speach. So i started eating it and i eat like slowly and i take little bites, so my friends started to mock me because of it. Like what? I hate people watching me eat, but people talking about HOW i eat is just 10 times worse. I wanted to purge so badly. I was so happy i had P.E afterward so i could work it off. But that does not mean that it was not consumed. My limit was 200 today and i am 70 over. DAMNIT! So angry at myself. So tomorrow another 200 limit day, i wanted to fast but that is just not gunna happen because of the family. On weight, i am a fat ass, as you all know. I haven't lost aything in ages, it is doing my fucking head in. So, i have decided to start weigh-in days, which are going to be on fridays. So every friday (or saturday) i will p...

Dude, today fucking sucked. I binged and puged non-stop for about 3 hours. It was horrific. I was sitting on the bathroom floor stuffing my face then purging straight afterward. Like what the fuck is wrong with me. Okay so i am going to list absolutly everything i b/p on today: 2 large bowls of cereal, 6 chocolate bars, pasta with prawns, strawberry milkshake, ice cream, peanuts, pineapple cake and caramel shortbread. It always sounds worse when you write it down. God, i am so disgusting. Now my knuckles are all fucked up and so are my eyes, i have burst blood vessels, yay. My throat and stomach also hurt like hell. So when my parents came in from there long day at work and they asked, "How are you? You have a nice day" I said, "I'm fine, yeah i did was lazy but i had fun" PAHAHAHA. I honestly think i am the worlds greatest liar. What i should of said is, "No, i'm not fine. I am a fucking fat whale, i ate the whole kitchen then puked it up again. Oh yea...

I am so sorry for not posting as often. The truth is i am so depressed. I dont want to open my eyes in the morning. I weigh so much i just want to puke every where. I cannot look at myself with out bursting into tears. Okay i am 53kg. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE. I am just in this horrible rut of: starving, binging, purging, exercising and cutting. I can't even do those things right. I have been self-harming so much latly i am so sorry. I just deserve it. I am so sick of it all. I am sick of having non-existent bones. I feel/ look for them every day and its just the same. Covered in layers of fat. I just want to be 40kg. SO FUCKING MUCH YOU JUST HAVE NO IDEA. I am sick of covering my scars. A part of me just wants to tell everyone. But i know that they will all judge me even if it is not to my face. I will just be known as the 'fat anorexic girl, who starved and cut herself and attempted sucidie even though nothing was wrong with her life'. Thats the thing, nothing has ever happen...

Hello. Okay I am off school today. I feel like there is an alien inside of my stomach. Argh. So I was going to fast but I binged instead. Fuck. No self control. I guess there is always tomorrow. But at least I have some laxatives. Short update sorry. Will post later with some more info on how shit I feel. Bekah Xxx

Okay I just went to the doctors. I am 54 kilos. FUCK MY LIFE. So I've gained like 4 kilos over the weekend on my fucking binge. Hdianwksmdi. Oh yeah I'm also constipated which will probably add to the fatness. I just keep saying 'I've gained muscle' nope that's not true I'm just one big fatty. Now I have to eat dinner which I really do now want to. I want to fast until I faint. I do want food or anything in my body. Kill me now.

Hey everyone!! So i had a good time last night. Maybe one too many times on the walsters though! Blah but then when i got in i had a super snack attack, which then continuted this morning. Yes i am a bloated fucking ugly obese whale. I am so ashamed of what i ate. So today i went to my grandparents house, but before hand i binged and my dad had seen all the wrappers and whatever lying around and he said. "You had a feast this morning!" keep in mind he was saying this in front of everyone. He then continued "but mind sometimes you can be right fussy" then my oma decided to butt in and say "she is just making sure she doesn't gain weight" then my grandad "yeah you really have to cut chocolate and sweets out of your diet if you want to loose weight" OMFG, like seriously they may as well of said "YOU ARE TOO FUCKING FAT GO STARVE" I mean like why was they saying this. God yes i was a bit bloated this morning...omg stop kidding my self i...

So I am going out tonight. Yes I am talking my fat ass out for the world to see. I am going to the shows with a couple of friends which I like a fair? It's a back to school thing. So I am nervous. I am nervous that everyone will be starring at me because I'm so fat or judging me in some way. Yes I am a very paranoid person. One thing I am nervous about is food. I refuse to eat anything they offer/force me to eat. My intake is so good for today (190) do I want to keep it that way. So school today was okay. Well actually I was happy! I GOT A B IN MATHS. Wow that is the best mark I have ever got in Maths. I was 2 marks off an A. Wow, wow. So I got moved up a class!! Yay! On the subject of school, my teacher was talking today "you really do not need to worry because you will be able to resit, so don't go slitting your wrists" (everyone laughs) at this moment in time I wanted to get up an leave the class. I hate jokes about self harm. I felt so awkward because I didn...

My first day back at school today. Blah. I felt like everyone was staring at my fat....like i was a beached whale. I cannot explain how out of place i felt. Of course i hadnt seen everyone in ages, so everyone was like "what you been up to, havent seen you since the start of summer" so i was just like "um nothing much" really what i wanted to say was "Oh yeah i attempted suicide, started cutting myself again, even though you didnt know about it the last time. I also fasted for about 2 days every week but i am still a fat whale and my scales broke. Oh did i mention that i had an eating disorder?" God my life is just so annoying. I am totally not trusting my scales. You know the picture i posted a couple of day ago of my legs. Well in the first picture i apprantly weighed less but i weigh more now and look skinnier? And i havent been working out so, its not muscle. Maybe its just true. That i am a fat whale and never will be anything more. So today, i heard ...

Okay so I binged again. Blah, what a failure. So yes I cut my thigh and arm to pieces because I couldn't purge (parents are in) Gah. Oh yeah I have school tomorrow. Shoot me now. God I am so fucking nervous I have no idea why. I have had 2 anxiety attacks tonight and I'm sorry I haven't been to the doctors about it yet, I just hate the doctors so fucking much. So I really want to fast tomorrow but my fucking mother makes me have breakfast, which I might try wiggle myself out of. Sleep, is impossible right now. I have to get up at 7:15 and it 12am. I'm not even tired. I have so much on my mind it's like 'brain shut up' Sorry for my very rushed post. I really need to get around to reading all blogs sorry! So tomorrow I will post my first ever YouTube video so go subscribe to: thehauntedwithin Okay bai!!! Bekah Xxx

Hey guys! So my 24 hour fast turned into a 23 and half and hour fast since my mother made me eat before 7! Typical. We had salmon though, which is a good fat burning food and salad. Which is 190 calories. Is it sick that I think that my intake to too high? Meh. So tomorrow is my last day of my summer! I'm so sad. I am a little nervous to get back to school because of exams. I am also nervous to see my friends, I haven't seen them in so long because well I pushed them all away. I am also terrified if they see my cuts. I havent cut on my wrist and at all since Saturday! Yay! So hopefully they won't be as noticeable. So I am getting a laptop tomorrow! Yay! So I might actually be able to post something on my new YouTube account which you might want to subscribe to? My username is: thehauntedwithin. I also have a twitter: @nolifewithana which you can follow. And my instagram which I am never off which is: @_am_i_perfect_yet_ Bekah Xxx

So yeah I haven't been on in ages sorry! I need to catch up on all my blogs and stuff haha! So since I haven't been on for a while I'm not gunna waffle on about that past. So today. I binged, failure. So I exercised my butt off. Then I started feeling like I was gunna throw up and went all shaky. Then I fainted. That sucked. I still feel very blah not good! But at least I burned some cals right? Despite all this I am fasting tomorrow. Well I started at 7pm and I'm ending at 7pm tomorrow. So wish me luck. Okay parents. My dad is an asshole. "well you shouldn't of ate so much you pig" she said while I was complaining that I was full. "you lazy cow" he said while I was saying that I hadn't been for a run today. Seriously what is his problem? Who pissed in his cereal? What did I do? I mean he just touched in 2 very sensitive subjects. About my weight and how much I exercise. So yeah he sort of motivated me to burn all the calories and then he sai...

Gah sorry I haven't posted in ages. I've been in Scotland. Just got back yesterday. Blah I don't even know what to say. I feel fat and gross. Can't sleep, can't think. Got school in thursday, lame. Sort of just want to cry for no reason at all. Sorry I just don't have much to say just though I'd remind you I'm still here! Bekah Xxx