Just wait for a moment and think.

I ate 498 calories today, i feel proud. But somewhere in the back of my mind is saying that i shouldn't be proud of this, but if i ate more i would hate myself i would not talk to anybody and sit alone in my depression. Sometimes i think what would people say if i told them i hated eating over 1000 calories in one day. They would proably dismiss it as me wanting attention, so i don't tell anybody. Sometimes i am disgusted at how one person can eat a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar in one sitting, but other times i wish i didn't care how many calories are in some food and i could just eat whatever. Another thing i would love to say to someone is, i ate this and that and felt so guilty i made my self sick by downing 3 glasses of warm water and sticking my fingers as far back down my throat as i could. When i write this and re-read it it sounds insane, but i still do it. I think about it all the time. When i am tryping i am thinking about how many calories i burn doing it, when i eat something i think about fat bubbling on to me. I am telling everyone this because it's easier to type it than to say it to someone you love. I know this is a disease but it's not something you can control it's a part of me. If people feel the need to hate on somebody with this disease and say that they just want attention, they can fuck off. Believe you me attention on this disease is the last thing i want. All i want is to be skinny and that is what i am doing, i'm being me and i'm not going to change anything about that. I can't remember a time when i didn't think like this


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I can't remember not thinking like this. Sometimes i think i would be easier not being like this. On the other hand i think it would be horrible not to care because i would feel empty almost. Does this mean i like it? Do i like calculating the calories i eat on my phone through the day? Does it mean that i like binging and purging, i may of only done it twice but you wouldn't do it a second time if you didn't like it the first right? But this isn't a thing you give up overnight. I don't want to give this up but do i enjoy having this disease? Yes is probably the answer because i am not going to be asking for help to stop or try to stop anytime soon. I suppose you could say that i am proud of this disease, so i should be if i continue to live with it. Yes i am proud that i ate 498 calories today, this is me deal with it!