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Here it is, the truth...

I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure it's there. I do not want to be depressed and annoyed and pissed off anymore! I am making changes. I need to, to be able to achive. I am going to change many things, some may be hard, others may be easy.

I am not going to swear anymore! No matter how annoyed or angry i am. I will use Ned flanders words (could be amusing).

 I am going turn down those peanuts and any food i don't need. I will look at foods and actually think, do i need that or do i just want it?

I will not care what my friends say about my eating habits, i will not give in.

I will not stress out so much over nothing!

I will give up chocolate, from now on.

I will be as sociable with my family as much as i can.

I will ditch those certain friends that don't care.

I will be postive about my eating disorder. I will not wake up some morning wishing i didn't have it. I need it to be skinny. It doesn't just go away i need to tell my self. I need to believe in myself. I will meet my goals. I will be postive when my weight goes up and down. I need to think 'well i'll just eat less tomorrow' or 'I will do some exercise' I deinatly shouldn't purge. After that blood coming up i scared my self. I can not promise on that one though. As i said, it doesn't just go away. I don't want it to go away. I need to something to take control of. I cannot control my granddad cancer, i cannot control my sisters anxiety, i cannot control my brothers OCD, i cannot control my mums noisyness and i cannot control my dads anger problems. I feel that if i become perfect, everything else will be too. My fucked up life won't be so hard anymore. I will finally be beutiful and people will notice me and think 'shes so skinny, i want to be her' I want people to be jealous of me. I want people to say 'your too skinny' Then i will be happy.

While i'm bearing it all i might as well expose when this all started, or when i think it did.

I was 10 (young i know) i went swimming with my boyfriend at the time. I wore a bikini. The next day he finished me. It sounds so stupid but after that i just noticed how fat i was, how many calories were in my favortie foods. I became vegetarian. Have been ever since. I lost a lot of weight (yey) But not enough. A lot of my friends are really skinny, so is my sister. So this year i am 15. Feel free to say i'm a 'wanarexic' because i know i'm not. I never thought one day i want to be obsessed about my weight, i want that to be the only thing on my mind, i want it to drive me insane, i want to cry everynight or everytime i strep on the scales. It just happened. I cannot control my ED, but i can help it. If i want to be skinny i will have to live with it. I shouldn't complain (why i'm becoming postive) because i am just helping it. This year my ED became worse. I started purging up food. I started restricting uner 500 calories when before it was just under 1500.  Maybe it's because i found out my granddad has cancer and i realised how fucked up my family was. I don't know. I'm just trying to blame something else for it.

So thats it. The truth. I feel a lot better now that i've wrote it all down. It feels real now. I don't think i would ever be able to speak it out load. I doubt anybody acctually read this because it's so long but it helped me. I feel a lot stronger now.


 Bekah
  xxx

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