Binging. WOW, what a surprise since i have so much control these days. I don't even want to list what i have ate, i am so disgusted with myself! I did try to purge it but while i was trying to get up some awefull waffer thing i ate my parents walk in! So yeah didn't get it all up and now i'm a fat pig! I knew this would happen. You know when you wake up one morning thinking what your doing is stupid that you will binge and feel sooo guilty afterwards.I HATE MYSELF! I hate needing to purge after i have ate loads. ARGHHH! Nothing is ever simple! I need to get out of being bored and eating shit loads. I really need to snap out of it! How? I have no idea because if i don't i will gain A LOT more than 2lbs if i carry on this way. HELP! I am sick of saying to myself, i'll start again tomorrow. I will start restricting again tomorrow with a limit of 700 calories. I need to find some ways to crub my cravings, if not i will become a fat ass! Soup tomorrow i think and rice cakes! Staying strong is harder than it seems!
Sometimes, i don't think i have a problem. Not when i see the girls at school comparing how much their spine sticks out, i feel just normal. But then i realise that it isn't possibly normal to have anxiety attacks about eating a small amount of food. Once i've ate, i can honestly feel the calories turing in to glyceral, holding on to my muscles, my bones burying me deep into some hole of fatness. It scares me so much, my heart starts to pound, tears start to fall. Next thing i'm on the ground doing 100 sit-ups because it is the only way i know how to get the feeling to go away, or purging. I guess i could self harm but that doesn't make any difference to the fat on my body, it's just punishment. I deserve punishment for being to weak. Weakness should be my new name. I can't seem to resist that calorific chocolate, or those salty peanuts. That is it, i can't deal with the anxiety. I completly give up with food. It is not enjoyable. Today was the closed i ...
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