Okay I just went to the doctors. I am 54 kilos. FUCK MY LIFE. So I've gained like 4 kilos over the weekend on my fucking binge. Hdianwksmdi. Oh yeah I'm also constipated which will probably add to the fatness. I just keep saying 'I've gained muscle' nope that's not true I'm just one big fatty. Now I have to eat dinner which I really do now want to. I want to fast until I faint. I do want food or anything in my body. Kill me now.
Sometimes, i don't think i have a problem. Not when i see the girls at school comparing how much their spine sticks out, i feel just normal. But then i realise that it isn't possibly normal to have anxiety attacks about eating a small amount of food. Once i've ate, i can honestly feel the calories turing in to glyceral, holding on to my muscles, my bones burying me deep into some hole of fatness. It scares me so much, my heart starts to pound, tears start to fall. Next thing i'm on the ground doing 100 sit-ups because it is the only way i know how to get the feeling to go away, or purging. I guess i could self harm but that doesn't make any difference to the fat on my body, it's just punishment. I deserve punishment for being to weak. Weakness should be my new name. I can't seem to resist that calorific chocolate, or those salty peanuts. That is it, i can't deal with the anxiety. I completly give up with food. It is not enjoyable. Today was the closed i ...
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