Hello.
Today has been really tough. It's been very warm here in England and I've spent the majority of my day inside. That's because my whole body is covered in self harm scars. That means I'm unable to wear summer clothes. I have to say I get a lot of weird looks when I go out in jeans and a jumper. I mean it's not like I'm warm either because a lovely side effect to eating disorders is that you're cold all the time.
Well that isn't the only sucky thing about my day. I seen my therapist today. Since I'm suffering with Social Anxiety we had to go out and try and face some of my fears. We tried this last Saturday and I refused to leave the house and cried quite a lot. So today we went to a cafe. I shook the whole time and she was talking but I was for sure not listening. All I could think was 'everyone is starring at me', 'they all think I'm a psycho'. Well I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was a psycho because I am really.
Next time we go out I have to order, then the next time I have to eat out. Eating out is one of my biggest eating disorder fears. I don't even eat in front of my family so this is going to be really tough. I just need to keep thinking that I can't be like this forever. I need to fight it or I will become it.
I was supposed to be meeting my 'friends' today but they said they were going to the beach and that just set off alarm bells in my head and I said I couldn't make it. The beach, is a fear I am not ready to conquer.
Gosh, why am I making myself out to be like some sort of winner over my mental disorders. I'm not, believe me. I'm actually at my worst state. My depression is definitely at it's worse. Suicidal thoughts never leave my head. I did actually write a letter to my therapist today but I didn't give it to her. Why?
CONTEXT: Last week they found out that I was collecting pills to overdose on and they immediately told my mum that she needed to stay off work because I was a danger to myself and that they would have to visit every day, maybe even twice a day to make sure I'm okay. Then I needed another mental health assessment which was when medication was decided.
REASON: I didn't give the letter because she mentioned cutting down how much I need to be seen by them and she's letting my mum go back to work.
I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK.
I know if I give the letter, my risk at hospitalization will increase as I've been trying to kill myself by strangling myself with shoelaces, not looking when I cross the road and I've been tempted to go and buy more medication to overdose on.
I have no idea really what would happen if I gave them this letter or even informed them of the way my mental state it.
I'm not improving in any way so I'm surprised that they think I'm okay. I've self harmed everyday since, wow I can't even remember. I haven't stopped purging either. I just don't know.
I guess you could say I'm confused about many things right now. I'm not sure if I want recovery or not. I just want someone to tell me what to do because I honestly cannot decide by myself.
Stay Strong Beautifuls
Bekah
xxx
Today has been really tough. It's been very warm here in England and I've spent the majority of my day inside. That's because my whole body is covered in self harm scars. That means I'm unable to wear summer clothes. I have to say I get a lot of weird looks when I go out in jeans and a jumper. I mean it's not like I'm warm either because a lovely side effect to eating disorders is that you're cold all the time.
Well that isn't the only sucky thing about my day. I seen my therapist today. Since I'm suffering with Social Anxiety we had to go out and try and face some of my fears. We tried this last Saturday and I refused to leave the house and cried quite a lot. So today we went to a cafe. I shook the whole time and she was talking but I was for sure not listening. All I could think was 'everyone is starring at me', 'they all think I'm a psycho'. Well I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was a psycho because I am really.
Next time we go out I have to order, then the next time I have to eat out. Eating out is one of my biggest eating disorder fears. I don't even eat in front of my family so this is going to be really tough. I just need to keep thinking that I can't be like this forever. I need to fight it or I will become it.
I was supposed to be meeting my 'friends' today but they said they were going to the beach and that just set off alarm bells in my head and I said I couldn't make it. The beach, is a fear I am not ready to conquer.
Gosh, why am I making myself out to be like some sort of winner over my mental disorders. I'm not, believe me. I'm actually at my worst state. My depression is definitely at it's worse. Suicidal thoughts never leave my head. I did actually write a letter to my therapist today but I didn't give it to her. Why?
CONTEXT: Last week they found out that I was collecting pills to overdose on and they immediately told my mum that she needed to stay off work because I was a danger to myself and that they would have to visit every day, maybe even twice a day to make sure I'm okay. Then I needed another mental health assessment which was when medication was decided.
REASON: I didn't give the letter because she mentioned cutting down how much I need to be seen by them and she's letting my mum go back to work.
I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK.
I know if I give the letter, my risk at hospitalization will increase as I've been trying to kill myself by strangling myself with shoelaces, not looking when I cross the road and I've been tempted to go and buy more medication to overdose on.
I have no idea really what would happen if I gave them this letter or even informed them of the way my mental state it.
I'm not improving in any way so I'm surprised that they think I'm okay. I've self harmed everyday since, wow I can't even remember. I haven't stopped purging either. I just don't know.
I guess you could say I'm confused about many things right now. I'm not sure if I want recovery or not. I just want someone to tell me what to do because I honestly cannot decide by myself.
Stay Strong Beautifuls
Bekah
xxx
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